Santa Saves The Planet

A family, gathered from far and wide,
break bread together at Christmastide.
Glistening lights in a thousand trees —
join hands to sing praise on the frozen breeze.

It’s a magical time when wishes come true —
a time of goodwill as the seasons renew —
when a child, full of hope and an honourable cause,
took the time to write letters to Santa Clause.

Well, they had been good all year long, so, you see,
Santa took their request very seriously
and, inclined to agree with this unselfish child,
he dumped the red suit he had always reviled.

Coca-Cola be damned, for the time had arrived.
If you live at the pole, it just can’t be denied.
Just that morning, in fact, had his patio thawed
and fell into the sea! He was truly appalled!

It’s just simply too much — as the letter explained —
the seas full of plastic, the forests in flames.
So, a meeting was called, with one vote for each elf —
how to strategize redistribution of wealth.
 
Thus, a plan was conceived — all the elves had consented —
to a Christmas eve schedule that’s unprecedented.
They would need to rebrand. It was dangerous, but dammit:
this is the year Santa’s saving the planet.

The world wakes as always on this Christmas morning —
the children excited, the adults are yawning —
but regardless of whether they’re naughty, or good,
or Christian, or wealthy — in all neighbourhoods,
kids found the same thing at the foot of their bed.
No, not piles of wrapped toys — just one stocking instead —
with an orange, a walnut, a small pomegranate,
and a recycled pamphlet called ‘Santa Saves Planet’.

Now, for most of the world, it’s a lovely surprise
for kids to get presents, regardless of size.
Assuming shared culture is crazy, it’s clear —
for some it’s the only fruit they’ll eat this year.

But, although it was meant with the best of intentions,
it’s true that the pamphlet caused some apprehension.
New Uniform: black — just rebranded tradition —
but hooded and armed with AK-47?
Just what happens when elves are in charge of the fashion.

Still, in some of the richest industrial nations
the children aren’t happy with Santa’s salvation —
there’ll be terrible tantrums at crushed expectations:
of iPhones released with slight modifications.

The parents are fighting — the adults got nothing.
They’re out in the streets, drinking, screaming, and cussing.
Tensions are rising, as bricks start a-flying.
They’re looting the shops now — the children are crying.

The city’s aflame, but the cops aren’t responding.
The chief of police is on hold and still waiting,
as Amazon trace where his presents went missing.
It’s out of control, a revolt of the richest:
Biden blames terrorists.
Trump says it’s socialists.
Kier Starmer insists he declared all his cash gifts.

A global emergency —
uncontrolled anarchy —
Here come the communists, raising a cheer:
Singing We’ll Keep the Red Nose Flying Here!
Governments crumble as world leaders panic,
‘cause cheeky old Santa is saving the planet.